Monday, February 4, 2013
Note to self: Never schedule a colonoscopy on the day after the Super Bowl.
It would take me a long time to list all the great food that I didn't eat on Super Bowl Sunday. Here's the shorter list of what I did eat:
Consommé - This is something intended to be an ingredient, not to be consumed as "dinner."
Chicken broth - See consommé.
Jell-O - Better when it's in that dish some people serve at Thanksgiving with whipped cream and nuts.
What was much more interesting was what I had to drink. The pharmacy keeps this stuff in a corner reserved for prescriptions to be dispensed with the tag line: "You're gonna have fun with this."
It's a gallon container with a mound of white powder in it and a selection of four fun flavor packets: Pineapple, orange, lemon-lime, and cherry. I selected orange, although the idea of adding more than one flavor did cross my mind. When I was a kid, we called it a "suicide" when you mixed all of the flavors at the 7-11 fountain.
I dumped in my flavor packet, filled the container with water to the four liter line, replaced the cap, and shook vigorously. The resulting solution was completely clear and nearly devoid of orange flavoring.
My task was to drink this stuff within three to four hours. I started at noon so that I'd be done before kickoff. The instructions state that you'll be hitting the head in about an hour. The instructions were right.
By the time you get to the last two or three glasses, you'd believe that your esophagus is directly connected to your colon.
When I awoke this morning, I shaved and took a shower before performing the last task for my doctor: The obligatory enema in the "green box."
The instructions had drawings of optional positions for taking the enema that are only exceeded in their scope and artistry by the Kama Sutra. I chose the "dog burying a bone" position and Mary administered the ice cold enema with what I perceived as a big smile on her face.
When we arrived at the surgical center, I answered lots of questions (the same ones that were on the forms I already filled out three weeks ago) and signed a half dozen releases that read like the agreements I click "Okay" to when I'm installing software.
The waiting area was pleasant, but what they had on TV was not. It was Rachel Ray cooking up some great looking dishes, remarking "mmm..." whenever she licked her fingers. Did I mention what I had to eat yesterday?
I was called back to the pre-op area and answered a bunch more questions, which somehow morphed into a discussion about medical marijuana. The nurse was very pleasant and professional and seemed to know a lot about marijuana.
I then dressed in my johnny gown and non-skid socks and paraded by a number of other patients in the pre-op like the emperor in his new clothes. Even when they're tied up properly, your butt is in plain view of anyone behind you.
The anesthetist and doctor chatted with me, asking about the governor's plans to raise taxes by $2 billion and some other small talk...
Then I was awakened in post-op about 45 minutes later. That Propofol is crazy good stuff. It puts you to sleep before you can count backwards from 10 to 9 and leaves you with no grogginess or headache afterward.
I had a muffin and cranberry juice, got dressed, and Mary chauffeured me home.
I admit that I've been a little skittish about having this done, but I do feel much better knowing that everything checked out okay.
When I do this again, I'll try to avoid booking it on July 5th.