Sunday, April 26, 2009

Are we stupid?

The Bell + Howell Silver Sonic XL has the ability to give you sonic hearing, easily amplifying sounds up to 90 feet away. Never miss out on a conversation, game or TV show ever again!

Now HD Vision takes sunglass vision technology to a whole new level. Just like high-definition TV, this is the ultimate in viewing clarity.

A few comments about these ridiculous products:

What the heck happened to Bell & Howell for this once respectable company to be selling cheesy electronic garbage? When I was a kid (and a card carrying AV team member), B&H was the premier name in film projectors and all kinds of film editing accessories. They also manufactured mailing equipment, like high speed sorters and inserters. This is like finding Jack Welch working as a carny, pushing junk toys on gullible dart throwers.

And what alternative is there to sonic hearing? Isn’t all hearing based on the ability to sense sound waves? What do you think I have now? Odor hearing? That’s it. My ears perk up at the smell of marinara sauce simmering in the kitchen.

Not to mention that I’m supposed to walk around looking like an idiot wearing a pseudo Bluetooth earpiece. I so admire those people who seem to be having intense conversations with themselves. We used to call them things like “Crazy Larry, the guy who panhandles outside the hardware store.”

I do have to give Bell & Howell credit for improving on the original version of Sonic Hearing, which incorporated a 6-inch long microphone that you had to aim at your victim. The odds of getting arrested using this less-than-covert eavesdropping device were pretty good.

HD Vision sunglasses have some commonality with the Silver Sonic XL. Don’t we all see in hi-definition? If you don’t, go to an optometrist. For $9.95, I’m not thinking they’re going to send you the latest breakthrough in lens technology manufactured from a NASA-inspired polymer.

All of this triggered me to think about what’s coming next. We’ve covered two of the five senses, so why not have As Seen On TV products to enhance the rest of them.

Order TasteBudz and you can have gustatory taste! Just sprinkle TasteBudz on your tongue and you’ll be able to sample the entire buffet selection from your seat. “Would you like a menu or will you be dining from the buffet?” “Definitely a menu, garçon. The bacon-wrapped scallops are way too garlicky and the chicken cordon bleu must be from yesterday’s Rotary banquet.”

Don’t go anywhere without Tactile Feeling Gloves! Inspired by the Princess and the Pea, these gloves let you feel things that are undetectable by a normal human being. Auto mechanics, feel which spark plug is misfiring simply by placing your hand on the hood of a car. Fishermen, feel the underwater disturbances of a trophy bass. Proctologists… Well, you get the idea.

You can have olfactory smell with Olfactory Smell Nostril Inserts! These 2-inch long inserts fit comfortably in your nostrils. Within five minutes, the OSNIs expand to three times their original circumference, giving you the ability to smell what your neighbor is cooking for dinner. “Hi, Carmen (Electra), how was that chicken parmesan you made last night?” “How did you know about that, Randy? You’re so cute. Wanna come over for dinner for the rest of the week?”

1 comment:

  1. Carmen Electra is your neighbor? I think maybe you should look into the HD Vision glasses. I am just saying...


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