Sunday, February 22, 2009

Stimulate me!

The ARRA passed last week and promises to shower me in a stimulating rain of cash. How exciting! I’ve got my Irish Spring in one hand and a bucket in the other. I can hardly wait for the flood of twenty-dollar bills (or direct deposits, if that works better for the U.S. Treasury) to envelop and protect me from the big bad wolf recession.

Because I have a reputation for thoroughly researching my topics before foisting them on my readers, I googled ARRA to get all of the facts. It’s embarrassing to find out a week after I post a column that it was riddled with inaccuracies. I’m used to it, but it’s still embarrassing.

ARRA – Americans for Responsible Recreational Access. This lobbying group, headed by Larry Smith, is the leading supporter of allowing snot-nosed Billy to ride his souped-up ATV (all-terrain vehicle, aka four-wheeled, off-road destruct-a-mobile) on Federal lands, tearing up every trace of natural flora and fauna in his track. How this helps people refinance their 12% subprime loans is a mystery to me.

ARRA – Asphalt Recycling & Reclaiming Association. Mike Krissoff (dangerously close to having a belligerent last name), executive director, manages this eco-friendly organization that just conducted its annual meeting in Palm Springs this weekend. Billed as “Preservation & Rehabilitation 2009 – The Eco-Friendly Bailout for Our Infrastructure,” I definitely thought I had found the right ARRA information. The seminar has “Bailout” in the title, after all!

Reading further, I quickly realized that this organization must be tied to Americans for Responsible Recreational Access, because the entertainment for the week was:

Desert Adventures Jeep Tours
Located directly on the famous “San Andreas Fault,” this tour visits an authentic replica of a Cahuilla Indian Village. Explore the strange and eerie canyons of the Painted Hills, nature’s own sculptures.

ARRA – Arizona Radiation Regulatory Agency. We lived in El Paso, Texas, when the Palo Verde nuclear plant was built in Wintersburg, Arizona. (I love how they name their towns to attract snowbirds, like Sun City, Arizona.) The construction of this power plant ran hugely over budget and left us with the second highest electricity rates in the country—second only to Cape Cod, where we live now. Did we bring the high electricity prices to Cape Cod like visitors who are often accused of bringing the bad weather? I don’t know. But I do know that Bechtel was the general contractor for the plant. Can you say “Big Dig?”

ARRA – Chicagoland’s Number One Classic Rock Cover Band. Now we’re getting somewhere. President Obama is from Chicago. I played in a cover band (see A Musical Family). This must be the stimulus I’m looking for. Time to dust off my electric bass and get ready to receive that call from Turbo Tax Tim Geithner (U.S. Treasury Secretary), assigning me to one of the Stimulus Bill’s nationwide classic rock cover bands. I hope it’s somewhere close to home—I’d hate to drive too far to the gigs, given that I’ll be paying 50 stimulating cents a gallon in Massachusetts gasoline tax.

ARRA – American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. This is it! I finally found it! How do I know? There’s a picture of Obama next to the headline “Your Money at Work.”

My money at work??!!! Wait a second. I was the one preparing to be showered with other people’s money. My money?

Just great. I’ve got to cut this column short and go to the office to earn some more money to fund the ARRA. Damn!


  1. Tsk, tsk. Oh you cynical Republican you. Do you really think that the 'crats would load the stimulus bill with their pork just as would the GOP? Nah. Such cynicism, it is almost unpatriotic of you!

  2. Has any one looked to see how the stimilas package is going to help the Sandwich School system? I understand that in order to recieve any money the school district must be under the cost per student charge. Now if Sandwich is over the cost per student by 2000 dollars, how does that give us any help with this educational money deal that has been stated as an educational stimilis .

    Am I missing something here?


  3. According to Delahunt's letter, there may be close to a million dollars coming our way. I have no details yet whether this is likely or how it has to be used, except that someone mentioned to me that it only covers Sped and Title 1 type items.


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